National NEDA Week: My Journey and Current Stage of Life

Something I never thought growing-up would be something I struggle with and often hate on myself more, and feel embarrassed by it is an eating disorder. Growing-up I loved food, baking, cooking, and genuinely eating healthy! My parents made everything homemade for the most part due to my brother's allergies and due to them being excellent cooks and bakers tbh! My parents cooking and baking could be a best seller restaurant. In fact many people have told my mom to change careers and open a bakery. She makes some of the best turkey meatballs, eggplant stuffed peppers and turkey burgers you’ll find. My dad makes homemade barbecue sauce, pasta sauces, is a master on the grill etc. 

My vacation growing-up on was always spending a week with my grandparents. I would plan all the places I was excited to go to eat at with them because eating out at home was so hard with my brother's allergies.

We would go out 2-3 times a day. Some of my favorites were definitely.. Terra Rustica (whole wheat pancakes are SO good and so is their Italian/ American lunch/dinner), for breakfast daily, Rocky’s deli for some fab sandwiches, Friendly's as a childhood nostalgic (quesadilla always), and Chinese food was always a MUST.. oh and my favorite diner that burned in a fire. Unfortunately, that Friendly's, Chinese place, and my favorite diner are no longer in existence.

I’ve always been a healthy eater, but when I went to college I just really could not handle the food. The meat was sketchy, I got sick from a wrap at one point, and I always ate dry so salad dressings etc., were never anything I used. I definitely didn't coordinate/consider the olive oils in recipes my parents made at home, the Sunday dinners, the multiple times I fueled for dance sessions/hockey practice etc., 

I began not eating meat from the dining hall. Salads were plain with just veggies and no dressing. I had yogurt and a banana or a packet of oatmeal with some yogurt for breakfast most mornings.

I watched friends not eat consistently throughout the day. I never allowed myself to spend money on food or eating out even though I was working a ton. I wasn't dancing and for the first time living in the northeast and being locked in a college dorm gave me a bit of seasonal depression.

My first semester Ritz crackers got me through and I indulged in some PSL’s from Starbucks and learned the iced coffee they were giving me was sweetened which is probably why it wasn't even noticeable until the spring semester.

I didn't mean to eat less.. It just happened..and once you start it's hard to go back tbh. The stomach doesn’t have an appetite anymore. One day I realized I was struggling to finish ½ a banana for breakfast and this was the girl who usually had two with cheerios or oatmeal before heading into school at 6:30 am in high school.  I was drinking two liters of SmartWater every morning when I woke up and ultimately I ended up being hospitalized in July of 2019 for almost kidney failure. Because yes.. you can overdo water. 

At first I was motivated.. I was out of the hospital within a week. Thriving and sticking to the meal plan with healthy foods. My mom took me to Trader Joe’s for the first time ever and I became OBSESSED. Avocado, guacamole, sweet potatoes, homemeade quesadillas, greek yogurt, and oatmeal/ protein pancakes were my best friends.

When I moved back my sophomore year to college. I would come home weekends to work anyway and would just prepare my fridge at school with groceries like the just white meat chicken from Trader Joes, so much avocado, deli meat, wraps etc., I also had a mini blender for protein smoothies/shakes! Pre-made shakes and protein bars were life saving. I was busy with school so I was distracted. Maybe COVID threw me off.. because we couldn't leave the house, we weren't moving bodies as much throughout the day and even prior to the start of COVID nurse threw me off at one of my mandatory weekly appointments and honestly I began eating less and less again because I was scared. I no longer was working with a team at all and everything was online.

And that’s where I’m still at 6 years later unfortunately.... Because everyone creates an identity for you.. You are so used to eating so little that you don’t even know what real meals are anymore.. You develop stomach issues and digestion issues. I never had any problems and this gave me osteoporosis at 25, Gastroparesis symptoms, and digestion struggles. 

I feel as if I strained my relationships with my grandparents because eating out is no longer something that comes easy to me and just because I do it doesn't make it easier.

I feel as if I don’t even know what it’s like to be full of energy anymore because I haven’t experienced proper energy in so long. I hate how strong I used to be as a dancer, as a hockey player and now all the strength is gone. But life/bodies/fitness can always be built but it’ll never come without fuel. 

Maybe I feel not heard... maybe a bit of being "eldest daughter" has showed up evetually. Maybe always feeling like the third wheel caught up and hasn't been something I've identified with until years later.

I track food and sometimes it helps me and sometimes it's harder, but when I don’t track I eat less. Sometimes I also identify that I need to eat even though I don’t feel hungry to eat.

And maybe others don't see me as someone who doesn't eat enough because I eat everyday and I'm scared of not eating too, but it doesn't mean its enough. Just because I go out doesn't mean it easy. Just because my meals are volumous doesn't mean they are high in nutrition/energy/calories.

 But now I really need to lock-in TBH and maybe being vulnerable helps because yes it's scary and uncomfortable being forced to gain weight especially in a culture that is always advocating for the opposite.

 Yes, it’s uncomfortable because my body can struggle to handle it at times so I do have to manage what I eat with my schedule. For example.. my body now struggles to handle high oily foods. I cannot do it and if I want to try.. I need to ensure there’s nothing important on the next day. There are nights I’ve cried myself to sleep in stomach pain and feel guilty I overate even though it's not true. 

Yes, it’s uncomfortable because it’s the opposite of what I am used to doing. I haven’t eaten enough in years at this point that it feels so wrong. And recently I’ve been letting my head get in my way more than anything. 

There are days I'm hungry and find everything unsatisfying and it scares me and there are days where I have no desire to eat at all.

Currently, I track macros with my dietitian that I love that I found. The only thing I wish is that she could be here in-person because we would def be besties. This has actually opened up some food freedom in foods I consume mentally for me and has allowed me to re-educate myself on the benefits of all food.

However, I think I’ve reached our bare minimum calorie threshold (which is still WAY TOO LOW FOR ANY HUMAN) maybe twice this year. And as someone who hates letting others down.. I feel guilty for not reaching my goals, but also struggle to reach them and they are very doable.

Spending money on food is something I still feel guilty about, but I refuse to not socialize or get the groceries I want. I refuse to not eat out now that I have experienced a love for Chick-fil-A (my comfort place always). I use rewards programs, food days/deals, and content to inspire me. And most the time I order something heatlhy and make it macro friendly and remove sauces (because I don't like them). So, I don't know why I fear what others think. I also love cooking, I love baking, and I love eating recipes or taking a trip out to get a meal. And maybe it doesn't help when someone comments on spending money on food/groceries or going out or eating unhealthy ice cream (which FYI ice cream is so healthy for you with calcium and protein) when I'm already panicking inside.

I love finding balance. I love tracking macros to eat according to my goals. I love ordering the healthier options out because I genuinely enjoy them, but I also love an ice cream cone. I will eat Chick-fil-A grilled chicken any day of the week, but will also spend more money on the healthier Applegate grilled chicken at home instead of a cheaper option.

 I care so much of what others think and it’s something I need to let go of. I need to continue to challenge myself in terms of eating out, trying new foods, and i really need to increase those macros/calories to be healthier, be able to workout, save my health, get a cycle to have kids. 

I need to do this so I can be a better sister, daughter, human, employee, influencer, content creator, recipe-creator and hopefully someday a mom because I want a family of my own (so bad). So, I can be more present with friends and family, so I can be more spontenous, so I am no longer a hinder in others' lives, so I get invited to things, so I don't stress over food, so I can have fear foods without pre-planning, so I can experience life to the fullest, so I can travel, so I can live my best life in Walt Disney World, so I can experience great meals I would miss out on otherwise.

It is uncomfortable. It is hard. It is challenging to the point writing this has me crying. Recovery is never linear but we got this friends and I always remind myself my dietitian is never going to steer me wrong because I love her and I will be able to be the person I want to be in the gym, at home, at work, in life and it may take time. It may take more rest days. It may take a whole lotta tears, body image struggles, and everything else. But we have to create support and healthy habits to be able to influence others in a positive light.

So maybe this is a commitment post… and a post of vulnerability.. And a post where I hope it inspires one human. 

We got this and let’s recreate our culture, our environments, and our lifestyles to focus on the importance of eating enough, the importance of supporting one another, and the importance of understanding that you never know the battles someone is facing. Lots of love always

- Katie